final test project ( revised version)
Name: Nor Anisa Fitri Dayanti
SRN: 1401120949
Subject: Writing II
step 7 : ( second draft).
Palas bidan
One of familiar custom in kalimantan especially
banjar people is palas bidan. It is a
ritual prayer for a newborn baby. This ritual
as a form gratitude of parents to midwives which helped birth of baby. In this event the parents of the
baby provide requirements such as rice, coconut, jawa sugar, and chicken eggs. Procession palas bidan begins by reading
surah Yasin for prophet Muhammad
SAW. In front of the
guests there is swing yellow fbric with a variety of jewelry. A newborn baby must swung alternately by the
parents , midwife, and guests. other than that in the middle of guest served
typical local cakes as many as 41 kinds and coffee bitter and sweet coffee. The
conclusion, palas bidan was ceremony of banjar people to pray for newborn baby.
Note :
Palas bidan : the name of a traditional ceremony in Borneo.
Banjars : name of tribe in borneo
Jawa sugar : red sugar
1.- The the paragraph is good . the topic sentence, supporting sentence,and the concluding
BalasHapuswas good.
-The topic sentence already contained Controlling idea
-the paragraph is good enough. but your topic sentence not yet covering.
-Controlling the idea has been to clarify and support the topic sentence
2.- the supporting sentence is covering the topic sentece.
- the supporting sentence was clearly, but I think you have to pay attention to the paragraph because the paragraph supporting sentence is less clear, and I suggest you should add a sentence to multiply explanatory sentence. For example your paragraph Procession palas bidan begins by reading surah Yasin for prophet Muhammad SAW. In front of the guests there is swing yellow fbric with a variety of jewelry. A newborn baby must swung alternately by the parents , midwife, and guests.
3.the concluding sentence was summarizing the main sentence.
4.the Paragraph yet unity and coherence because there is still a mistake in supporting his sentence. you must fix a supporting sentence related to the topic sentence many more followed with a minor.
1. I think you should be change your topic sentence, maybe you can use "One of familiar custom for Banjar people in the region of Borneo is Palas Bidan", it is easy to understand.
BalasHapus2. I think you are quite right put the supporting sentence. You should be contained in the sentence "This ritual as a form midwives gratitude of parents to the which helped birth of the baby." Why ? Because the phrase "It is a ritual prayer for a newborn baby" is a controlling idea from the topic sentence. So you have to change it. When using the signal words in a sentence supporting, do not forget to give a comma like "In this event, the parents of the baby provide requirements such as rice, coconut, sugar java, and chicken eggs. Palas Bidan Procession begins by reading surah Yasin for prophet Muhammad SAW. In front of the guests, there is a swing yellow fabric with a variety of jewelry. A newborn baby must swung alternately by the parents, midwife, and guests. Other than that, in the middle of typical local guest cakes served as many as 41 kinds and coffee bitter and sweet coffee.”
3. Maybe you could use a concluding sentence "One of familiar custom to prayer newborn baby for Banjar people in the region of Kalimantan". You do not mention where the Kalimantan region, the better you should use like Central Kalimantan, East Kalimantan, West Kalimantan, Southern Kalimantan or Northern Kalimantan. Choose one of them, so that the sentence is clear.
4. Your paragraph is coherence, so you can use other signals transititional. It is are words and phrases that connect the idea kn one sentence with the idea in another sentence. They are expressions such as first / second, furthermore, on the other hand, for example, and in conlusion. If you using transition signals you can makes your paragraph smoother and hepls your reader understand it more Easily.
5. For language focus, please pay attention the use of capitalization. Always capitalize proper nouns - the names of specific people, place, or things. For example, "palas midwife" become "Palas Bidan", "banjar" become "Banjar", "on the other that" become "On the other that".
1. I think the topic sentence is good. It is not general and not specific. This cover your paragraph.
BalasHapus2. It about the supporting sentence. I think you still need to add some supporting sentences for support your paragraph. Example : “Usually the baby who palas bidan, when the baby Seven days old” and the other sentence. It will make your paragraph more than interesting.
3. In the concluding, You can write the conclusion o other sentence. Example : “In conclusion, Palas bidan is ceremony of Banjar people to pray for newborn baby which the event wrapped by unique event”.
4. I think your eighth sentence it more match if you write after fourth sentence. Example “. In this event the parents of the baby provide requirements such as rice, coconut, jawa sugar, and chicken eggs. other than that in the middle of guest served typical local cakes as many as 41 kinds and coffee bitter and sweet coffee.”